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--post-date: 2024-07-31
--type: blog
--tags: personal, poem
<article class='poem'>
<h1>things werent easier even though you didnt care</h1>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
as i inhale then choke
suppressing my coughs wondering
how things'll work out
</p>
<p class='stanza'> sitting back behind the building
away from people i know
and put through the back door
comes a boy I turned away
</p>
<p class='stanza'> turning to the side
maybe he doesn't remember
it was a really strange few weeks
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
hold it in then let go
i lean back and laugh
pass the bowl to my left
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the rock behind the dorm
surrounded by bushes
just me and the guys
up late getting high
</p>
<p class='stanza'> its only been a year
hows it only been a year
since i sat here and cried
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
menthol cigarette smoke
talking about life with my roommate
lying through my teeth
</p>
<p class='stanza'> how does he have it all figured out
no way he has it all figured out
jumpcut now were 30
turns out he does
</p>
<p class='stanza'> he married his sweetheart
she really was lovely
cute cats and house
another high paying job
</p>
<p class='stanza'> wondering how he did it
how to put in the effort
to get what he wants
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
an excuse to ignore things
like how I have no idea what i want
hell that wasn't even me
</p>
<p class='stanza'> sure i am still that kid
scared and directionless
but thats the depression
it has to be right
</p>
<p class='stanza'> im who i want to be
at least on the outside
achieved the one big goal
at the cost of so much of me
</p>
<p class='stanza'> things finally feel right
yet i still can't do anything
i never learned how to live
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
staring at the faint orange glow
of no responsibilities
spending minimum wage earnings
on cigarettes and weed
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
staring at the faint orange glow
scared and confused
buying new clothes
just to throw them away
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
after the orange glow burnt out
anxious, so anxious
latching onto anything good
but i was barely even there
</p>
<p class='stanza'> assumed she was the one
she was such a sweet girl
i wish her the best
cause that's certainly not me
</p>
<p class='stanza'> when i finally tried
put myself out there
gave all i could
and landed flat on my face
</p>
<p class='stanza'> staying up late
sketching out lyrics
missing the faint orange glow
think things used to be easier
</p>
<p class='stanza'> girl things weren't easier
maybe when we were 13
kissing girls by the pool
and playing timesplitters 2
</p>
<p class='stanza'> but even back then
it was all easy
we just didn't know
what that feeling was inside
</p>
<p class='stanza'> we still put on faces
just like in college
surrounded by friends
who'll be gone in 4 years
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i burnt out like the cigarette
ran out fast like the free bic
clutching the carton
when did this become me
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i broke during highschool
hanging out with the rejects
acting like an asshole
letting them pull the strings
of a cold and empty me
</p>
<p class='stanza'> introduced to a sweet girl
things started to turn around
i wasnt my school friends
but three years too late
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
laying in bed
hazed in vape smoke
depressed and lonely
</p>
<p class='stanza'> thinking back on the times
realizing besides being 8
right nows the easiest
directionless but free
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i didnt care then
let my trauma define me
hid behind masks
took it out in the worst ways
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i didn't care then
let life move around me
girl thats not easy
cant lose if you don't play
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
pass the bowl to old me
tell her things are alright
she doesn't need to be scared
</p>
<p class='stanza'> to not run from those feelings
the solution is talking
no babe that's called depression
yes its really that easy
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i know it cant change things
but i think it would be nice
just let her know she's okay
</p>
<p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
sunlight through my pill bottles
medicine to help me
be who i want to be
</p>
<p class='stanza'> my brains finally shut up
but with silence comes thinking
every time I think i get scared
and im still fucking lonely
</p>
<p class='stanza'> slowly but surely
finally putting in the effort
im really trying my best
it's all i can do
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i can always do better
i at least have to try
</p>
<p class='stanza'> it takes time to heal
thirty years of trauma
bad habits and self harm
silence the call to the void
</p>
<p class='stanza'> i feel sad and let down
because i finally care
</p>
</article>
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