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--post-date: 2024-07-31
--type: blog
--tags: personal, poem
<article class='poem'>
  <h1>things werent easier even though you didnt care</h1>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    as i inhale then choke
    suppressing my coughs wondering 
    how things'll work out
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    sitting back behind the building
    away from people i know
    and put through the back door
    comes a boy I turned away
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    turning to the side
    maybe he doesn't remember
    it was a really strange few weeks
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    hold it in then let go
    i lean back and laugh
    pass the bowl to my left
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the rock behind the dorm
    surrounded by bushes
    just me and the guys
    up late getting high
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    its only been a year
    hows it only been a year
    since i sat here and cried
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    menthol cigarette smoke
    talking about life with my roommate 
    lying through my teeth
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    how does he have it all figured out
    no way he has it all figured out
    jumpcut now were 30
    turns out he does
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    he married his sweetheart
    she really was lovely
    cute cats and house
    another high paying job
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    wondering how he did it
    how to put in the effort
    to get what he wants
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    an excuse to ignore things
    like how I have no idea what i want
    hell that wasn't even me
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    sure i am still that kid
    scared and directionless
    but thats the depression
    it has to be right
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    im who i want to be
    at least on the outside
    achieved the one big goal
    at the cost of so much of me
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    things finally feel right
    yet i still can't do anything
    i never learned how to live
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i spent so many years
    staring at the faint orange glow
    of no responsibilities
    spending minimum wage earnings
    on cigarettes and weed
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i spent so many years
    staring at the faint orange glow
    scared and confused 
    buying new clothes
    just to throw them away
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i spent so many years
    after the orange glow burnt out
    anxious, so anxious
    latching onto anything good
    but i was barely even there
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    assumed she was the one
    she was such a sweet girl
    i wish her the best
    cause that's certainly not me
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    when i finally tried
    put myself out there
    gave all i could
    and landed flat on my face
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    staying up late
    sketching out lyrics
    missing the faint orange glow
    think things used to be easier
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    girl things weren't easier
    maybe when we were 13
    kissing girls by the pool
    and playing timesplitters 2
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    but even back then
    it was all easy
    we just didn't know
    what that feeling was inside
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    we still put on faces
    just like in college
    surrounded by friends
    who'll be gone in 4 years
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i burnt out like the cigarette
    ran out fast like the free bic
    clutching the carton
    when did this become me
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i broke during highschool
    hanging out with the rejects
    acting like an asshole
    letting them pull the strings
    of a cold and empty me
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    introduced to a sweet girl
    things started to turn around
    i wasnt my school friends
    but three years too late
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    laying in bed 
    hazed in vape smoke
    depressed and lonely
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    thinking back on the times
    realizing besides being 8
    right nows the easiest
    directionless but free
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i didnt care then
    let my trauma define me
    hid behind masks
    took it out in the worst ways
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i didn't care then
    let life move around me
    girl thats not easy
    cant lose if you don't play
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    pass the bowl to old me
    tell her things are alright
    she doesn't need to be scared
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    to not run from those feelings
    the solution is talking
    no babe that's called depression
    yes its really that easy
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i know it cant change things
    but i think it would be nice
    just let her know she's okay
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    the faint orange glow
    sunlight through my pill bottles
    medicine to help me
    be who i want to be
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    my brains finally shut up
    but with silence comes thinking
    every time I think i get scared
    and im still fucking lonely
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    slowly but surely
    finally putting in the effort
    im really trying my best
    it's all i can do
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i can always do better
    i at least have to try
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    it takes time to heal
    thirty years of trauma
    bad habits and self harm
    silence the call to the void
  </p>
  <p class='stanza'>    i feel sad and let down
    because i finally care
  </p>
</article>