things werent easier even though you didnt care

the faint orange glow as i inhale then choke suppressing my coughs wondering how things'll work out

sitting back behind the building away from people i know and put through the back door comes a boy I turned away

turning to the side maybe he doesn't remember it was a really strange few weeks

the faint orange glow hold it in then let go i lean back and laugh pass the bowl to my left

the rock behind the dorm surrounded by bushes just me and the guys up late getting high

its only been a year hows it only been a year since i sat here and cried

the faint orange glow menthol cigarette smoke talking about life with my roommate lying through my teeth

how does he have it all figured out no way he has it all figured out jumpcut now were 30 turns out he does

he married his sweetheart she really was lovely cute cats and house another high paying job

wondering how he did it how to put in the effort to get what he wants

the faint orange glow an excuse to ignore things like how I have no idea what i want hell that wasn't even me

sure i am still that kid scared and directionless but thats the depression it has to be right

im who i want to be at least on the outside achieved the one big goal at the cost of so much of me

things finally feel right yet i still can't do anything i never learned how to live

i spent so many years staring at the faint orange glow of no responsibilities spending minimum wage earnings on cigarettes and weed

i spent so many years staring at the faint orange glow scared and confused buying new clothes just to throw them away

i spent so many years after the orange glow burnt out anxious, so anxious latching onto anything good but i was barely even there

assumed she was the one she was such a sweet girl i wish her the best cause that's certainly not me

when i finally tried put myself out there gave all i could and landed flat on my face

staying up late sketching out lyrics missing the faint orange glow think things used to be easier

girl things weren't easier maybe when we were 13 kissing girls by the pool and playing timesplitters 2

but even back then it was all easy we just didn't know what that feeling was inside

we still put on faces just like in college surrounded by friends who'll be gone in 4 years

i burnt out like the cigarette ran out fast like the free bic clutching the carton when did this become me

i broke during highschool hanging out with the rejects acting like an asshole letting them pull the strings of a cold and empty me

introduced to a sweet girl things started to turn around i wasnt my school friends but three years too late

the faint orange glow laying in bed hazed in vape smoke depressed and lonely

thinking back on the times realizing besides being 8 right nows the easiest directionless but free

i didnt care then let my trauma define me hid behind masks took it out in the worst ways

i didn't care then let life move around me girl thats not easy cant lose if you don't play

the faint orange glow pass the bowl to old me tell her things are alright she doesn't need to be scared

to not run from those feelings the solution is talking no babe that's called depression yes its really that easy

i know it cant change things but i think it would be nice just let her know she's okay

the faint orange glow sunlight through my pill bottles medicine to help me be who i want to be

my brains finally shut up but with silence comes thinking every time I think i get scared and im still fucking lonely

slowly but surely finally putting in the effort im really trying my best it's all i can do

i can always do better i at least have to try

it takes time to heal thirty years of trauma bad habits and self harm silence the call to the void

i feel sad and let down because i finally care