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+--post-date: 2024-07-31
+--type: blog
+--tags: personal, poem
+<article class='poem'>
+ <h1>things werent easier even though you didnt care</h1>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ as i inhale then choke
+ suppressing my coughs wondering
+ how things'll work out
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> sitting back behind the building
+ away from people i know
+ and put through the back door
+ comes a boy I turned away
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> turning to the side
+ maybe he doesn't remember
+ it was a really strange few weeks
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ hold it in then let go
+ i lean back and laugh
+ pass the bowl to my left
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the rock behind the dorm
+ surrounded by bushes
+ just me and the guys
+ up late getting high
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> its only been a year
+ hows it only been a year
+ since i sat here and cried
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ menthol cigarette smoke
+ talking about life with my roommate
+ lying through my teeth
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> how does he have it all figured out
+ no way he has it all figured out
+ jumpcut now were 30
+ turns out he does
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> he married his sweetheart
+ she really was lovely
+ cute cats and house
+ another high paying job
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> wondering how he did it
+ how to put in the effort
+ to get what he wants
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ an excuse to ignore things
+ like how I have no idea what i want
+ hell that wasn't even me
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> sure i am still that kid
+ scared and directionless
+ but thats the depression
+ it has to be right
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> im who i want to be
+ at least on the outside
+ achieved the one big goal
+ at the cost of so much of me
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> things finally feel right
+ yet i still can't do anything
+ i never learned how to live
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
+ staring at the faint orange glow
+ of no responsibilities
+ spending minimum wage earnings
+ on cigarettes and weed
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
+ staring at the faint orange glow
+ scared and confused
+ buying new clothes
+ just to throw them away
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years
+ after the orange glow burnt out
+ anxious, so anxious
+ latching onto anything good
+ but i was barely even there
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> assumed she was the one
+ she was such a sweet girl
+ i wish her the best
+ cause that's certainly not me
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> when i finally tried
+ put myself out there
+ gave all i could
+ and landed flat on my face
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> staying up late
+ sketching out lyrics
+ missing the faint orange glow
+ think things used to be easier
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> girl things weren't easier
+ maybe when we were 13
+ kissing girls by the pool
+ and playing timesplitters 2
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> but even back then
+ it was all easy
+ we just didn't know
+ what that feeling was inside
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> we still put on faces
+ just like in college
+ surrounded by friends
+ who'll be gone in 4 years
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i burnt out like the cigarette
+ ran out fast like the free bic
+ clutching the carton
+ when did this become me
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i broke during highschool
+ hanging out with the rejects
+ acting like an asshole
+ letting them pull the strings
+ of a cold and empty me
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> introduced to a sweet girl
+ things started to turn around
+ i wasnt my school friends
+ but three years too late
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ laying in bed
+ hazed in vape smoke
+ depressed and lonely
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> thinking back on the times
+ realizing besides being 8
+ right nows the easiest
+ directionless but free
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i didnt care then
+ let my trauma define me
+ hid behind masks
+ took it out in the worst ways
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i didn't care then
+ let life move around me
+ girl thats not easy
+ cant lose if you don't play
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ pass the bowl to old me
+ tell her things are alright
+ she doesn't need to be scared
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> to not run from those feelings
+ the solution is talking
+ no babe that's called depression
+ yes its really that easy
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i know it cant change things
+ but i think it would be nice
+ just let her know she's okay
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow
+ sunlight through my pill bottles
+ medicine to help me
+ be who i want to be
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> my brains finally shut up
+ but with silence comes thinking
+ every time I think i get scared
+ and im still fucking lonely
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> slowly but surely
+ finally putting in the effort
+ im really trying my best
+ it's all i can do
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i can always do better
+ i at least have to try
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> it takes time to heal
+ thirty years of trauma
+ bad habits and self harm
+ silence the call to the void
+ </p>
+ <p class='stanza'> i feel sad and let down
+ because i finally care
+ </p>
+</article>