Posting irreparable

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+--post-date: 2024-06-06
+--type: blog
+--tags: personal
+
+# Irreparable
+
+I have been on medical leave for the past month. I am in the limbo of extension period and the stress of not knowing if I am going to be dumped back into the workforce despite being basically exactly where I was when I requested leave has me in pieces.
+
+I fear that my state is irreparable. I struggle so much now receiving any amount of mental stimulation… be it picking my starting equipment for my AD&D campaign, or having to call my laser place to see if they are able to generate super-bills before I bother getting more laser done. I've spent most of this month on the phone with healthcare systems which isn't exactly the thing that helps with severe burnout and depression. And I've been bordering on suicidal for most of this entire year; and now more than before.
+
+Being off of work for a month initially felt great; I got anti-depressants and I was able to focus on growing and repairing… but I quickly realized that very little progress was made. The anti-depressants did help with my energy allowing my to physically exist, where before I would basically be in bed wishing I was dead to save me from the pain of this existence, and well it feels kinda worse when you're brain isn't numb.
+
+Something broke in me. 10 years of tech just… broke me. It'll be 11 years in a few days actually. I graduated and started working a month after graduation. And short of the PTO I had and the occasional sick days, I've worked every day of the year.
+
+Two years ago, 3 or so months into my transition, life got too overwhelming. I was burnt-out and trying to cope with my new hormones and my crumbling relationship I basically took an informal leave using PTO and sick days for the month of June. It helped me at least try and focus on myself, but all it really did was point out everything I've been doing wrong and that's been wrong with me and my relationship. This break has been no different. Now that I am not busy focusing on "do I have meeting? I should do something productive, else people will notice I'm just a shell" I tidied up my messy apartment and well, that's about it.
+
+Sitting alone in your apartment, the sun set, the humid air suffocating you, going outside just burning your skin so you're stuck in here… I got wondering: "Will I ever be okay?"
+
+My brain is broken. It honestly wasn't in very good condition for most of my life, in hindsight. I was in a deep deep depression since high-school. The only thing I was ever good at was tech. My brain couldn't remember anything but lines-of-code. I ignored myself and put my energy into work, and now myself is so broken that I can't even do that. I don't even know if I'll ever be okay enough to work again.
+
+The law(?) likely will not recognize this and force me back to work after some time. But even if I was granted a long-term leave? I am afraid there isn't much hope. I genuinely don't know what I am even putting all this work in for? I was burdened with the pain of existing and now I have to maintain this because it was thrust into my care.
+
+So now I'm stuck and I really don't know what to do.