From 534e9eae403dc14dcc23beffa8691b8a598e5851 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Steph Enders Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2024 23:30:48 -0500 Subject: Publish entry: finding the light A less formal post about just looking for the light in the darkness life casts over you --- entries/finding-the-light.html | 30 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 30 insertions(+) create mode 100644 entries/finding-the-light.html (limited to 'entries') diff --git a/entries/finding-the-light.html b/entries/finding-the-light.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd711ba --- /dev/null +++ b/entries/finding-the-light.html @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +
+
+

Finding the light

+

When you're surrounded by darkness

+
+

+ This isn't a new metaphor. It's used whenever you're faced with adversity and you need to stay the course and make it through the rough times. It's not a surprise to anyone that for trans folks this is going to be a hard while for us yet, and when I start to doubt my fortitude I remember to try and find the light, like I did all throughout my life to even get to this point. +

+

+ I was talking to a friend about my past and my high-school years were mentioned. For those unaware, I went to an all boys catholic high-school (gasp), and for obvious reasons it took its toll on me. I was reassuring her that I am okay, I mean high-school was a lifetime ago. But when I tried, hoped, I could say "and I've worked through all the hard stuff", I realize I haven't. And not for lack of trying either, I simply cannot recall much, if anything from that time. It was in the mid 2000s, so its understandable my memory is fuzzy, but I really only recorded, committed to memory the good times, the light ... and the cringe, oh so much cringe. But mostly the light. +

+

I want to at this point clarify I don't mean for you to totally ignore the present and all the bad going on. Or to just block away the darkness in the past. It's important to work through the past, understand it, learn from it, and grow. Like most, there is a lot of trauma there, and some we maybe didn't even recognize at the time. And with the future looming it's easy to shut it out. +

+

But what made me smile when talking with her, was just all of these amazing little things I managed. I would find ways to be me even when I was in a place where I wasn't even given the chance to explore or express individuality, let alone myself or gender. Uniforms, strict dress codes, hair above the color, ears, and eye brows. But I found my way through, some more healthy than others. I'd wear a big soft sweater that made me feel small and cute, for example, the polos we'd wear sucked... I mean it's a polo shirt. But a family friend who attended years before had ones that were made of such soft material, and they even gave us his old sweater too. Now this guy was like half a foot taller than me, especially at the time, so I was swimming in these. The shirt wasn't too baggy, but the sweater sleeves were and it just was so gender. I also, unhealthily, tried to keep and grow my hair for as long as possible. I'd wait until my last warning to go get my haircut. I can't express how traumatic it was, even then. I didn't understand why, fully, but it truly was like I was getting cut away from myself, forced back to square one. +

+

+ But there was also finding the other girls in the places I'd be after school. My friends sisters, the girls part of the rowing club, my sister and her friends, or as mentioned in previous articles: going by a girls name as a nickname to satisfy the two [deadname]s in the group problem. But it was nice. Those memories all bring a big smile to my face. I found light in the dark. +

+

+ I can get completely frozen with fear for the future. Will my upcoming medical expenses get covered by insurance, will I even have insurance. Do I need to prepare to move, or flee, or... And it just overwhelms me. So I stop myself, and remember I am strong. I have the strength to get through this. And this time I'm not a scared confused helpless teenager. I'm a woman who finally has a voice, drive, executive function... I've literally never been this well equipped in my entire life. +

+ +

+ This is a way less structured post than I normally would make on this blog. But I felt like a small bit of self inspiration was needed. Despite my magical new self, I find myself sitting in my chair, under a blanket, with my writing laptop atop a blåhaj (to get that perfect writing angle), and some tea. I am sad, lonely, and scared. But I know when all the voices in my head tell me I can't make it, I won't, and to just give up... I know its lies. +

+
-- cgit v1.2.3-54-g00ecf