The Woman in my Eye's Blog

All signs point to her

A walk through my life pre-transition

+ Content warning: Multiple descriptions of genitalia. +

+ I can't remember everything of course and being in my mid 30s so many of these memories are distorted by time, home movies, or bias. This is the struggle with reminiscing or looking for signs. Most of them probably are there but they're not important, at least once you've taken the leap and actually come out to yourself. That said, these signs are helpful for the struggling egg (an egg is an "unhatched" trans person) as they can be what it takes to really convince yourself that what you're feeling is real. The first step is obviously admitting to yourself you may be trans and begin exploring your gender. So being able to understand what was happening before is a useful tool. These are the memories that stick with you; those that make you think at the time "hmm, isn't this curious?". Later on you'll recall "I really wish I knew why I was like that/did that..." but when you come out to yourself that question gets answered "oh, I am trans and that was me not realizing the feelings I was having". +

+ The earliest pure trans memory I have was the first time I saw female genitalia. My younger sister, I would've been around 4-5 years old and her a few years younger, was running around the house naked, as you do, and I saw that she was built differently. I remember thinking "wait? why does she not have what I have?" I wanted what she had. Ever since then I'd do the whole tuck behind my legs trick and feel right. I'd do this pretty much every time I showered for a very very long time. I can't speak to how other children would react to that; my sister was just laughing. I, however, was just fascinated with being like her, a girl. +

+ There are other things in this era, when I was 5 or so, where it's hard to classify as trans signs/moments or if you'd classify it as a just a kid with an active imagination. But even then I would say do typical cis boys imagine being a woman this often. Playing dress up and having affinity for dressing in woman's clothes, shoes, etc and playing with my sister's doll and stuff. Maybe I was just a great sibling. It's more likely these were me being unabashedly me. Disregarding gendered expectations. I also played with my older brother with like transformers and GI Joes. It's not like I was just girl day and night. (Expect a write later on about the atypically of pre-transition trans experiences). Toys aren't gendered and neither are clothes. But I have vivid memories of "Oh, I'm a boy, I shouldn't be playing with Barbies eww!" despite having so much fun building outfits and stuff with my sister. +

+ It's always important to remember we're growing up seeing the expectations set upon us. By our parents, friends, family, teachers, friend's parents on them, etc. It doesn't even need to be pressured. We look at ourselves, we see ourselves in the mirror and how we resemble our siblings or friends and mirror their behaviors. That's just nature. So what I look for were those times when I broke that mold. Where, almost instinctively, without thinking, I do something that I couldn't explain at the time. The big thing for me was the cross-dressing. Which is for another post. +

Conclusion

+ Being transgender is not easy. Our entire life gets upended and we almost have to entirely reconsider our past to better setup a more comfortable future. Like all things every human is unique and every trans journey is. I am a binary trans person firmly falling under "woman". This made things easier for me as I had a lot of learned experiences from growing up around many women and felt my affinity for them. But even still it took me 25+ years from that first thought to come out despite actively engaging with my gender exploration multiple times prior. +

All signs point to her...but the path there was winding.

+ +

+ {all-signs-point-to-her} +

Notice: I am barely setup!

Hey, thanks for visiting my website. I decided to take on this - initiative basically right before I had to leave my house for a few days. - So hopefully I can get this up and running soon after. For posterity I - wrote this on June 21st, - 2023, so when you're seeing this in 2030 we can all laugh.

All signs point to her

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