From 26aebcfa2da034b79c51b7474033347ee7a5b827 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Steph Enders Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2024 07:52:08 -0400 Subject: Publish poem "things werent easier" --- ...s-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html | 196 +++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 196 insertions(+) create mode 100644 posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html (limited to 'posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html') diff --git a/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html b/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3811423 --- /dev/null +++ b/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html @@ -0,0 +1,196 @@ +--post-date: 2024-07-31 +--type: blog +--tags: personal, poem +
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things werent easier even though you didnt care

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the faint orange glow + as i inhale then choke + suppressing my coughs wondering + how things'll work out +

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sitting back behind the building + away from people i know + and put through the back door + comes a boy I turned away +

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turning to the side + maybe he doesn't remember + it was a really strange few weeks +

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the faint orange glow + hold it in then let go + i lean back and laugh + pass the bowl to my left +

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the rock behind the dorm + surrounded by bushes + just me and the guys + up late getting high +

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its only been a year + hows it only been a year + since i sat here and cried +

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the faint orange glow + menthol cigarette smoke + talking about life with my roommate + lying through my teeth +

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how does he have it all figured out + no way he has it all figured out + jumpcut now were 30 + turns out he does +

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he married his sweetheart + she really was lovely + cute cats and house + another high paying job +

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wondering how he did it + how to put in the effort + to get what he wants +

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the faint orange glow + an excuse to ignore things + like how I have no idea what i want + hell that wasn't even me +

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sure i am still that kid + scared and directionless + but thats the depression + it has to be right +

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im who i want to be + at least on the outside + achieved the one big goal + at the cost of so much of me +

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things finally feel right + yet i still can't do anything + i never learned how to live +

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i spent so many years + staring at the faint orange glow + of no responsibilities + spending minimum wage earnings + on cigarettes and weed +

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i spent so many years + staring at the faint orange glow + scared and confused + buying new clothes + just to throw them away +

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i spent so many years + after the orange glow burnt out + anxious, so anxious + latching onto anything good + but i was barely even there +

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assumed she was the one + she was such a sweet girl + i wish her the best + cause that's certainly not me +

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when i finally tried + put myself out there + gave all i could + and landed flat on my face +

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staying up late + sketching out lyrics + missing the faint orange glow + think things used to be easier +

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girl things weren't easier + maybe when we were 13 + kissing girls by the pool + and playing timesplitters 2 +

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but even back then + it was all easy + we just didn't know + what that feeling was inside +

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we still put on faces + just like in college + surrounded by friends + who'll be gone in 4 years +

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i burnt out like the cigarette + ran out fast like the free bic + clutching the carton + when did this become me +

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i broke during highschool + hanging out with the rejects + acting like an asshole + letting them pull the strings + of a cold and empty me +

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introduced to a sweet girl + things started to turn around + i wasnt my school friends + but three years too late +

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the faint orange glow + laying in bed + hazed in vape smoke + depressed and lonely +

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thinking back on the times + realizing besides being 8 + right nows the easiest + directionless but free +

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i didnt care then + let my trauma define me + hid behind masks + took it out in the worst ways +

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i didn't care then + let life move around me + girl thats not easy + cant lose if you don't play +

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the faint orange glow + pass the bowl to old me + tell her things are alright + she doesn't need to be scared +

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to not run from those feelings + the solution is talking + no babe that's called depression + yes its really that easy +

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i know it cant change things + but i think it would be nice + just let her know she's okay +

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the faint orange glow + sunlight through my pill bottles + medicine to help me + be who i want to be +

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my brains finally shut up + but with silence comes thinking + every time I think i get scared + and im still fucking lonely +

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slowly but surely + finally putting in the effort + im really trying my best + it's all i can do +

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i can always do better + i at least have to try +

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it takes time to heal + thirty years of trauma + bad habits and self harm + silence the call to the void +

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i feel sad and let down + because i finally care +

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