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diff --git a/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html b/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3811423 --- /dev/null +++ b/posts/things-werent-easier-even-though-you-didnt-care.html @@ -0,0 +1,196 @@ +--post-date: 2024-07-31 +--type: blog +--tags: personal, poem +<article class='poem'> + <h1>things werent easier even though you didnt care</h1> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + as i inhale then choke + suppressing my coughs wondering + how things'll work out + </p> + <p class='stanza'> sitting back behind the building + away from people i know + and put through the back door + comes a boy I turned away + </p> + <p class='stanza'> turning to the side + maybe he doesn't remember + it was a really strange few weeks + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + hold it in then let go + i lean back and laugh + pass the bowl to my left + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the rock behind the dorm + surrounded by bushes + just me and the guys + up late getting high + </p> + <p class='stanza'> its only been a year + hows it only been a year + since i sat here and cried + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + menthol cigarette smoke + talking about life with my roommate + lying through my teeth + </p> + <p class='stanza'> how does he have it all figured out + no way he has it all figured out + jumpcut now were 30 + turns out he does + </p> + <p class='stanza'> he married his sweetheart + she really was lovely + cute cats and house + another high paying job + </p> + <p class='stanza'> wondering how he did it + how to put in the effort + to get what he wants + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + an excuse to ignore things + like how I have no idea what i want + hell that wasn't even me + </p> + <p class='stanza'> sure i am still that kid + scared and directionless + but thats the depression + it has to be right + </p> + <p class='stanza'> im who i want to be + at least on the outside + achieved the one big goal + at the cost of so much of me + </p> + <p class='stanza'> things finally feel right + yet i still can't do anything + i never learned how to live + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years + staring at the faint orange glow + of no responsibilities + spending minimum wage earnings + on cigarettes and weed + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years + staring at the faint orange glow + scared and confused + buying new clothes + just to throw them away + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i spent so many years + after the orange glow burnt out + anxious, so anxious + latching onto anything good + but i was barely even there + </p> + <p class='stanza'> assumed she was the one + she was such a sweet girl + i wish her the best + cause that's certainly not me + </p> + <p class='stanza'> when i finally tried + put myself out there + gave all i could + and landed flat on my face + </p> + <p class='stanza'> staying up late + sketching out lyrics + missing the faint orange glow + think things used to be easier + </p> + <p class='stanza'> girl things weren't easier + maybe when we were 13 + kissing girls by the pool + and playing timesplitters 2 + </p> + <p class='stanza'> but even back then + it was all easy + we just didn't know + what that feeling was inside + </p> + <p class='stanza'> we still put on faces + just like in college + surrounded by friends + who'll be gone in 4 years + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i burnt out like the cigarette + ran out fast like the free bic + clutching the carton + when did this become me + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i broke during highschool + hanging out with the rejects + acting like an asshole + letting them pull the strings + of a cold and empty me + </p> + <p class='stanza'> introduced to a sweet girl + things started to turn around + i wasnt my school friends + but three years too late + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + laying in bed + hazed in vape smoke + depressed and lonely + </p> + <p class='stanza'> thinking back on the times + realizing besides being 8 + right nows the easiest + directionless but free + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i didnt care then + let my trauma define me + hid behind masks + took it out in the worst ways + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i didn't care then + let life move around me + girl thats not easy + cant lose if you don't play + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + pass the bowl to old me + tell her things are alright + she doesn't need to be scared + </p> + <p class='stanza'> to not run from those feelings + the solution is talking + no babe that's called depression + yes its really that easy + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i know it cant change things + but i think it would be nice + just let her know she's okay + </p> + <p class='stanza'> the faint orange glow + sunlight through my pill bottles + medicine to help me + be who i want to be + </p> + <p class='stanza'> my brains finally shut up + but with silence comes thinking + every time I think i get scared + and im still fucking lonely + </p> + <p class='stanza'> slowly but surely + finally putting in the effort + im really trying my best + it's all i can do + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i can always do better + i at least have to try + </p> + <p class='stanza'> it takes time to heal + thirty years of trauma + bad habits and self harm + silence the call to the void + </p> + <p class='stanza'> i feel sad and let down + because i finally care + </p> +</article> |